Patron: “When do you think I’ll be able to check out the new book by Jackie O.?”

Librarian: “—”

Mom [whispering]: “Yes, do you have the book Twenty-five Shades of Grey?”

Today, I was shelving DVDs when I heard a lone man whispering under his breath nearby. Apparently, he was a bit mentally distracted and consumed by my presence:

“She’s there, she’s right there. She’s not too close, don’t freak out, don’t freak out. She’s not even looking at you. Don’t worry, don’t worry. Just pick a movie and be done with it. Don’t. Freak. Out. She doesn’t even know you exist.”

A man asked to speak with the librarian in charge because he wanted to lodge a formal complaint against other patrons in the library.

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Him: “Well, as a Christian and an American, I just get kind of annoyed when people annoy me. I can tell when I sit down next to certain people at a computer, they have a problem with who I am.”

Me: “Can you please give me an example of how the people bother you?”

Him: “Well, for instance, one day I was on Burger King’s website and someone looked over at my screen and suddenly they were on the Burrito Queen’s website. Do you see what I mean. Another time, someone handed me a pencil in a rude way. It made me feel like less of an American.”

Me: “What would you like to see happen?”

Him: “I’d like to write a list of all the times and dates these things happen. So you can tell the government.”

Me: “Well, you are certainly welcome to do so, but I don’t really see how the library can speak up on your behalf in any real way. Can you just come get me the next time someone makes you feel less American?”

Him: “Yes, that’d be okay. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I can tell you don’t think I’m crazy or a liar.”

Elderly patron, timidly: “Where are the computers?”

Me: “There are some in the Adult Department and in the coffee/vending machine area.”

Patron: “Thank you. If I get lost, someone will come find me right?”

A patron walked up to the desk carrying about 10 Blu-rays.

Patron: “Excuse me! None of these would play!”

Me [knowing Blu-rays are often confused with DVDs]: “These won’t work in a regular DVD player.”

Patron: “Yes, I know that.”

Me: “Do you have a Blu-ray player?”

Patron: “Yes.”

At this point, I become concerned and start looking them over them for obvious defects.

Me: “I just don’t understand why they won’t play. Especially if you have a Blu-ray player…”

Patron: “Oh I don’t have one of those.”

Me: “—”

A young man with special needs approached the desk.

“Do you have Rocky Balboa?”

“Do you mean the Rocky movies?”

“No, it’s a DVD called Rocky Balboa, dumbo.”

A disgruntled woman approached the desk.

“I cannot BELIEVE the nerve of some people, dog-earing the pages of the Bestsellers! Do they think they OWN the books? I think you should give a bookmark to every single person who checks out a book. I mean it. THEY ARE RUINING EVERYTHING. I will help make the bookmarks if that’s what it takes.”

I happened to be in the lobby when a pink-haired woman walked in the front door, ripped some library event flyers down from our bulletin board, and threw them in the recycle bin.

Me [incredulously]: “Why did you do that?!”

Woman: “I was heppin’ you out. And it’s my birthday, so get out of my way.”

And then she left.

Snippet of conversation I overheard as I passed a couple using the Internet computers in our Adult Department: “Well, she has a lot of cats, so she just builds outhouses…”

One homeless man to another: “You look very nice. Your clothes are nice. You care about personal hygiene, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.  You look very nice too.”

“Thank you.”

(And as the outsider who knows them both – it is true, they both do always look very nice.)

Patron [digging through wallet for library card]: “Let’s see. It’s white with the dancers on it…well, it reminds me of dancers. Hmmm. Oh, I’m in the wrong pocket…it’s with the medical insurance card. Medical insurance is blue with the fireworks…let’s see. I need to label this wallet better.”