Posts tagged 612 The Human Body

Librarian [answering the phone]: “Thanks for calling the library, may I help you?”

Man: “Does anyone there know how to fuck?”

Librarian: “Wait—what?”

[click]

There have been a couple poop incidents at the library lately. One squirmy man, not wanting to lose his place in line for a public computer, accidentally pooped his pants because he refused to go to the restroom.

A week before that, someone went back to the children’s area and discovered a 4-year-old boy squatting on the floor taking a dump while his mom looked for dinosaur books nearby.

A seasoned male librarian shared the most fabulous library story I’ve ever heard. Here it is:

“There was this man who used to come into the library almost every day. Mr. Amberson. Oh, Mr. Amberson! He’d stay for hours. He was about 6 foot 4 and about 400 pounds and he always sat in the same chair to read. The trouble was, when he needed to get up to use the bathroom, he couldn’t get out of the chair. Too big, see. He would grunt and kind of rock back and forth and then he’d call for help. I took pity on him and began helping him out of his chair two or three times per day. Soon, he wasn’t even trying anymore, he’d just sit there and holler for me. It got to be too much, as you can imagine. I like to take vacation days and the staff wasn’t just going to fill in for me, see? Well, I called the HR person to see what could be done. I was told I couldn’t help him anymore, you know, for insurance reasons. I was instructed to call the police each time the man needed help getting up. Soon, I was calling the police several times each day to come help the man go to the bathroom. This must’ve been back when there was a healthy budget, see?

“Anyway, one time, Mr. Amberson missed his bus, so guess who took pity on him and drove him home?” [shakes head] “Well, he was so big, the seat had to be reclined all the way, so there we were, me and Mr. Amberson, who was basically lying down in the passenger seat.

“What’s that? How did I get him out of the car? I really don’t like to think about that.”

Woman: “Bless you, are you the one where your hair is falling out?”

Librarian: “Huh? No.”

Woman: “I talked to someone before and I found an herb that will help her hair from falling out.”

Librarian: “I don’t know who that would have been.”

Woman: “I don’t either but she’s nice like you and she was young, too.”

As I was walking through the children’s area today, I noticed a little boy (3-ish) sitting on a chair at the end of a bookshelf. He had bare legs. His pants were at his ankles. I walked up to him and he smiled cherubically. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Pretending to go poop.” he said.

Librarian-to-librarian email exchange:

“Speaking of weirdos, a man just asked for the most recent issue of Playboy and he said, ‘I’d also like to know where there’s a room I can go without any children.’ I pointed out the children’s room but said it was a public place and everyone is free to go anywhere…Should I have security tail him? What is the proper protocol here? I mean we are the ones offering Playboy…they didn’t cover this in Library School!”

“I think you might want to let someone know he may diddle himself. It may be he just doesn’t want to be looking around every 4 seconds, but maybe he’ll shove his hand down his pants and go to town.”

“Too late, he’s already returned it. Guess that means he didn’t take the time read the articles.”

“Did he have a wet spot or a smile?”

“I wasn’t there. Thank God. Just did the top button of my blouse up.”

Librarian: “May I see your library card?”

Patron [sticking hand down the front of her shirt, searching around in her cleavage, searching….and searching, finally producing the card, proclaiming] “Aha! I knew it was there somewhere!”

Librarian: “—”

Today I saw two tired MILFs at the checkout desk totally ignoring their over-manicured children as they climbed all over the counter. Here is the conversation they had:

Woman 1: “What are you having for dinner?”

Woman 2: “A $2 bottle of wine.”

Woman 1: “That actually sounds good.”

Woman 2: “Yep. I just pop a couple happy pills, have the wine—that’s all I really need. Plus, if I don’t eat dinner, I don’t gain weight.”

Woman 1: “Does your doctor just prescribe whatever you want? Mine does. I just love it. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Woman 2: “God bless the pharmaceuticals, you know what I mean?”

Woman 1: “That’s right. Let’s go kids.”

One day, a library worker came upon a disgusting sight—in the stacks was a sweatshirt that was obviously soiled with vomit. Horrified, she came to me for help. I put on some rubber gloves, carefully picked up the wet, nasty thing and placed it into a plastic bag which went straight to the dumpster. Then I scoured the metal shelving and disinfected.

A few days later, a man called to claim it.

Me: “But sir, did you throw up on your sweatshirt?”

Man: “Yes—I think it was food poisoning. It was awful!”

Me: “Yes, it was! It was not a very nice thing to find on our shelf. I threw it away.”

Man: “No! It was expensive! Did you really just throw it away?”

Me: “Let me see if I’m hearing you right. You came to the library, threw up on yourself, left the shirt for someone else to find, and now you are calling to claim it?”

Man: “Um……yes.”

Me: “You do realize this sounds a bit strange, right?”

Man: “Well…..okay. Sorry I got sick. Am I allowed to come back to the library?”

Me: “Uh, sure, just don’t throw up, k?”

One fine winter’s day, I’m walking towards the library’s front desk, when I notice that the far men’s restroom is taped off, which is just as well because the smell coming out of that place could kill a small rodent. Continuing on to the front desk, I notice that the entire reference collection is also taped off, as well as the area surrounding two public computers.

It appears that one of our computer users shat himself and then proceeded to run to the toilet furthest away from him on the first floor. He left a trail of shit through the reference collection - hence the tape there - and then “finished the job” in dramatic fashion in the men’s restroom.