Posts tagged 616.8 Mental Illness Diagnosis

A man asked to speak with the librarian in charge because he wanted to lodge a formal complaint against other patrons in the library.

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Him: “Well, as a Christian and an American, I just get kind of annoyed when people annoy me. I can tell when I sit down next to certain people at a computer, they have a problem with who I am.”

Me: “Can you please give me an example of how the people bother you?”

Him: “Well, for instance, one day I was on Burger King’s website and someone looked over at my screen and suddenly they were on the Burrito Queen’s website. Do you see what I mean. Another time, someone handed me a pencil in a rude way. It made me feel like less of an American.”

Me: “What would you like to see happen?”

Him: “I’d like to write a list of all the times and dates these things happen. So you can tell the government.”

Me: “Well, you are certainly welcome to do so, but I don’t really see how the library can speak up on your behalf in any real way. Can you just come get me the next time someone makes you feel less American?”

Him: “Yes, that’d be okay. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I can tell you don’t think I’m crazy or a liar.”

I happened to be in the lobby when a pink-haired woman walked in the front door, ripped some library event flyers down from our bulletin board, and threw them in the recycle bin.

Me [incredulously]: “Why did you do that?!”

Woman: “I was heppin’ you out. And it’s my birthday, so get out of my way.”

And then she left.

A woman entered the library, sat down at a computer, signed on, promptly decorated her desk area with Star Wars figurines and a picture of Luke Skywalker before busily clicking around the Internet. Moments later, the woman at the next computer became suddenly irate for no apparent reason. Her wrath was obviously directed at Luke Skywalker Lady.

“I’M GONNA KILL YOU. DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.”

As staff scurried to diffuse the situation, Luke Skywalker Lady, who seemed equally mentally distracted, took it pretty well, keeping focus on her computer tasks and calmly reminding the woman, “You are on camera. You are on camera.”

When the librarian announced to the irate woman that she’d called the police and that she’d better be leaving, the woman stood up, screamed, and then suddenly lifted up her shirt and flashed the entire library. 

She left without further incident.

Time for Name the Mental Health Disorder! I will give you a list of a library patron’s physical traits and behaviors, you decide which mental disorder s/he has!

Case Name
Jellybeans

Gender
F

Age
45-50

Favorite place in library
Path from door to DVDs to checkout to door (in quick succession)

Physical Traits
Well-groomed (makeup, styled hair), darting eyes

Behaviors observed

• Moves very fast; never asks for help
• Talks to self in agitated tone
• Makes strange, aggressive verbal ejaculations to staff and/or other patrons (Examples: “Happy fucking Easter, hope you get some jellybeans” and “I saw you down at the lake on your bicycle with someone else’s husband—you can’t fool me”)
• Was once seen careening down the street in her car, honking
• Does not like children; once called a baby in a stroller a “bitch”

Diagnosis
???

Time for “Name the Mental Health Disorder!” I will give you a list of a library patron’s physical traits and behaviors, you decide which mental disorder s/he has!

Case Name
Lipstick Mask Lady

Gender
F

Age
55-60

Favorite place in library
Computer lab

Physical Traits
Rotund and squat, wears surgical mask upon which hot pink lipstick is applied, uses same lipstick to draw-on eyebrows, emits BO

Behaviors observed

• Wants staff to stand nearby while she types so they can watch for errors
• Socially awkward (does not understand polite banter, immune to social cues)
• Exhibits extreme impatience with technology and noisy patrons
• Often writes emails to Oprah to ask for help promoting her children’s book Your Body; approaches mothers in the children’s room to ask permission to read said book to their children as a “test market”
• Will never, ever understand email attachments
• Replies to SPAM email
• Once got stuck in a bathroom stall (reason wasn’t clear; patron was able to free herself soon after)

Diagnosis
???